On being vulnearable

It's hard being vulnerable.

It's hard to put yourself out there, to voice your emotions, to feel bare, unprotected, to allow people to take a peek into your life. Your real life, the life you so often hide or embellish or the life you place masks in front of because who cares about the truth, who cares to read about what hurts and what is wrong.

wait, I care.

but it doesn't make it easier... you know, to care.

I am used to sharing my days, and inviting both strangers/non strangers into my life, but it's a different thing when you allow them to look at you, the real you, and admit that things in the life they "know" are not ok. That you're hurting, and that some days you cry more than you smile.

Friday was tough and I felt disheartened, so I decided to put a voice to those feelings.
I think one of the reasons I shared that post was because I felt hopeless. and that word hurts. For the first time my prayers didn't seem enough, and for a second I just couldn't pray anymore.

What do I ask for now? What do I tell The One that knows me and my heart more than anyone. What do I say when all I want is to scream and to say where are You? You are here right? I know You are listening to me, so why are You not answering? Why are you not fixing this?

I felt hurt.
and in my hurting He told me it was Ok, you know, to ask for help.

and so I did, and it was tough and it made feel scared and bare and unprotected and you saw me, the real me.

and to admit that there are days when you see me smile I'm actually hurting inside, and to admit that there are days when I'm actually going through something, and when I hug you I don't want to let go, because it feels nice, and I feel protected and to admit all of that is pretty darn hard, and it shakes you.

It shook me.

But then after a few moments, it all felt better, my heart felt a little lighter, and after a little longer I felt peace, and I know it was Him, and I know I wasn't unprotected anymore.

and feeling bare wasn't the worst thing. and the real me, the hurting me, the one that isn't always Ok, felt loved.

I'm thankful for that, I'm thankful for the prayers when I didn't know how to pray anymore, and for those who don't pray but told me they cared, it all matters. to be heard matters.

I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know if my family is going to be Ok and there are days that I wake up and ask myself "what if all of this is for nothing, what if I believe God is working in our lives but at the end of the day nothing happens, what if what if what if what if" and to tell you the truth, I don't know, I just don't know. But my faith, my hope they're greater than my doubts, so then I take a deep breath and choose to be thankful instead, thankful for the things I do know, and so my burdens get a little easier to carry.

Writing this was hard.

Writing about my faith is hard, it's hard because what if you judge me? what if you think I'm crazy, what if what if what if.

what if it's actually Ok? 

and today feels a little easier to be here.

bare.

Choose Love

It's been a sad day for the UK.
We woke up to the news that after voting yesterday Britain has decided to leave the EU. I have to be honest and say that though I have been reading about this Referendum, there are still some things I don't understand. I have many questions, and I wonder if this affects my situation in this country (I know, gosh I'm so selfish) Does it even affect me? I don't know, and that's the thing, what happens now?

Bottom line is my heart feels heavy.

This place is home, and it hurts. It didn't take long for me to fall in love with the culture, the history, the people, the diversity. I fell in love with the freedom to be whoever you wanted to be, a place where it doesn't matter where you're from because it celebrated differences, or so I thought.

I want to live in a place/world that can live in unity, and today the UK doesn't feel like it, the world doesn't feel like it.

I know what it’s like to be an outsider, I've felt it when I moved to Canada, I felt it growing up and I felt it constantly. Today I feel like an outsider again, and though I know this isn't about me, and I'm not European, it all just feels wrong.

I feel for my European friends that have made a life here. For the ones that call this place home, and didn't have a say on this vote, and now feel rejected.

Hurt.

I feel for my British friends who feel hurt by people who voted out of fear, and lack of knowledge. Hurt by people who are indifferent, people who didn't show up for their country, and hurt by a generation that decided on the future of this country, a generation that most likely won't be able to see/live the consequences.

Maybe things will work out, and those who voted pro leave knew something more than the rest, I hope so. I hope this country stops feeling hurt. "It hurts when friends are hurting"

But in the midst of all of this, I'm choosing to love.
Love those that I don't understand, love those who's opinions differ from mine, love those who see foreigners as threats, as minority, and love those who think this world is stronger by being more isolated.

Love.

I choose to believe in The One who knows it all, because at the end of the day, my faith, my hope is bigger than any situation we may face. I choose to believe there is a plan, and so in the midst of chaos, in the midst of pain, in the midst of confusion, and fear. I find joy.


and so in a world that is divided, I choose love. 

For me

I wanted to write down my thoughts, I feel like I don't do it enough.
I don't process my thoughts enough, I'm quick to act, quick to move, quick to get busy, quick to listen to everything and yet I don't listen to myself, I don't listen to God, and I used to, I used to wait and listen (or try to at least).

I haven't read my bible in so long, I mean I do, I read verses all the time, but I haven't actually picked up my bible, and sat and read it and understand it, and let those words sink in. Somehow in the busyness of my life, I stopped, and I "decided" unconsciously that I could do this alone, that I didn't need His words and yet I ask for Him to listen to mine, to listen to my prayers and my constant need of Him.

Lately I've been trying to catch up trying to not miss a thing, both in my world and with a world that has nothing to do with me. For a while now I've been thinking about getting rid of my Instagram accounts, my twitter account, my Facebook, my Snapchat. When did it become Ok to share so much of our lives with the world? When did it become Ok to see what everyone was doing, and to follow all these strangers.

Don't get me wrong Social Media is amazing, recently SM is what I do for work full time, and I love it, I work for an amazing company, and I wouldn't change that. I've also met amazing people online and they've quickly become good and close friends.

There are so many things that I wouldn't have if it weren't for my online presence, I'm thankful for it, but lately I've lost the meaning behind it all, I've lost contact with myself. I think the thing with our generation is we've gained access to so much, I mean I'm sure comparison has existed from the moment humans were created, the need and desire for more has always been a problem with humanity; maybe you'll have a different opinion about this but I think Adam and Eve struggled with it, I don't think they ate the forbidden fruit just because... I think they wanted more.
 
But the big problem I see with social media is it has given us a window into people's life's. Before it I never knew what my friends were buying, or wearing, or what they were eating, listening to, or where they were at all times, and it was Ok. Life was Ok. 

I had a conversation with two friends about this today, ironically I met both of them through Instagram. They are people who I admire, who I get inspired by and who I deeply value. I've said things like, I need to breathe, I need to stop comparing myself, to stop feeling like this life that I'm living is not enough, because that other person on Instagram seems to be doing more, I need to do more.

You have no idea how hard it is to admit to yourself or to type here that you compare yourself to others, that you think your life is not beautiful because somehow someone elses life seems a little bit better.

It hurts me because this isn't who I am, and this isn't who God created me to be. He didn't create me, Corina, to be more like someone else, He didn't spend all this time designing my plans with someone else in mind. He created a unique life for me, a life that I don't enjoy or feel like it's always in need of more. He wanted me, He designed me, but somehow this isn't enough for me. It makes me mad, realizing this, it's so screwed up, but I almost feel like I have to put it into words so I can start to work on it and change it.

I decided to stop using my personal accounts on social media, this isn't new and this isn't the first time I've done this, however this time is different, this time I'm going to try to stop, for good, or at least for a good while. I'm not sure what this looks like for someone who SM is actually a full time job, but I'm going to find out day by day. Like I said I just need to breathe, I need to remind myself of who I am and remember what it's like to not look down so much. To not spend time scrolling through strangers life's and wanting everyone's wardrobe, and body, and hair, and relationship, and adventures, and breakfasts, and day jobs. and at the same time living my life without feeling the need to share every single moment, people do not need to know what I wore, what I ate, who I hung out with. I need to live my life for me.

I need to learn how to fall in love with my own life again, how to fall in love with the person in the mirror, and to be thankful, I forgot how to be thankful.

I'm crying right now, I'm sharing this because I believe there's actual healing happening as I type, as I open up and be honest.

I need to put my feet in the ground and remember that I am a child of God, that He created me, and I am enough, only then I will be able to let Him work in me and through me.

I think it's time I listen, for me.

-C

A little update

I wrote this on my facebook page, but I wanted to write it here as well.

My life has been kind of a rollercoaster since I moved to London, and the last month of the year came with more changes than I could've ever imagined.

I now live in Birmingham, a place I know very little about, and only know two people.

So here's a little bit (actually A LOT) about that.


--


On Friday I left London, and moved to Birmingham to start working for a Christian Organization called Christian Vision.

The story of how I got this job, the home I live in now, and the whole process from making the decision to move, and to accept this position is one that I still find hard to believe, and it has taken me weeks to digest, because it came out of nowhere and it happened very fast. The truth is it had little to do with me, and everything to do with God's plan in my life.

I hear so much about people being called to do things, and people being led by God where they are today. Since I've became a Christian I wondered if I would ever get to experience that, you know... hearing God in my life.

I doubted so many times and thought "maybe my faith isn't strong enough, maybe my relationship with God isn't strong enough, maybe I don't know how to pray, perhaps I'm doing this whole Christian thing wrong, THERE SHOULD BE A MANUAL" but the thing is, my relationship with God has completely changed who I am, and what I want out of life. I know now my walk is different than everyone else's walk, not better or worse just different.

Making the decision to move here came with more fears than I have ever experienced, and yet somehow an inexplicable sense of peace covered me everyday as well, I know this decision was the right one, I don't know why, I just know.

The moving process was so incredibly hard, and exhausting, and if you know me you know it didn't come free of tears -crying is what I do best- everything that could go wrong in a move would go wrong, and then suddenly out of nowhere a solution, so maybe just maybe this is exactly what people mean when they say they were called to do something, I choose to believe that, because this has God written all over it. If there was one problem, there was one blessing.

Today was my first day at work, and as the day went on all of those fears, and insecurities about this somehow started to go away, I still don't know what I'm even doing here, but I know I am where I'm supposed to be.

I try to be as genuine as I can, but being this vulnerable on this or any platform where maybe some people will judge me, and automatically place me in this "religious box" is hard.

I wanted to share this because it's something that has made me see, and understand God's beauty, and His love for me in a whole new level. It has made me grow so much both as a person, and in my faith, and really that is all I could ever ask for. It's a beautiful thing.


I hope whether you believe or not that you get the chance to experience this kind of unfailing love.

This is all.

Love,
C

Tonight, again.

It's been 4 months since I moved to London, some days it feels like just yesterday that I was packing and some days I feel scared at the thought of my time here coming to an end. That last one bothers me to my core, the thinking of the future, the not enjoying today, and now, this moment, and jumping ahead into my days. It's annoying and ridiculous.

I wanted to write down a few thoughts that have been on my mind lately about my move and about the things I've learned, and the things I'm grateful for.

Here I am being vulnerable on the internet again...

To start I want to say without sounding like a ball of cheese that the decision to move, to step out of my comfort zone has been the best decision I could've ever taken. To be honest it still blows my mind to say I live here, in London.

It's such a crazy thing to me, that despite my fears, and worries I had the guts (mostly I had/have the faith) to pack my things and move to a place full of unknowns, basically the only thing I knew was that I didn't know anything. ( I feel like that's something teachers say before a exam to warn you about asking questions about the exam, but it's true) looking back I feel like if I had known what I know now I probably would have second guess my move. I have felt scared at times, but not once have I ever regretted this, in fact I know (with every single one of my bones) that this place where I am standing is where I need to be today, and that thought is something that makes me completely full of joy.

I am where I need to be, I haven't been able to say that about every moment of my life, and today right now I feel so thankful to be here.

When people tell you moving away teaches you so much about who you are, and it makes you grow they aren't joking around.  I can certainly say that I have grown more in these 4 months than I had in a while, I have gotten to know myself a little better, my limits, my weaknesses, and my strengths, and I know this is just the beginning.

This move has also brought a lot of growing pains, I have had days full of tears, and aches that have made me feel emotions I hadn't in a long time, I won't get very detailed because as vulnerable, and genuine I want to be some things are for me to keep, and for me to experience on my own. However I will say that the experiences I've gone through since being here on my own have brought me closer to my Saviour, and have made me rest on His beautiful promises.

I've never felt so at peace while being alone, because the truth is I have never felt more full of love, and watched over than these moments, even the painful ones. God has provided so much for me during this season.

I know writing/reading about faith is hard for a lot of people, is hard for me sometimes because "what if people think I'm not cool" however it's important for me to share this, so I ask that you read this without judging me or labeling me. I serve a beautiful God, and I am completely in awe with everything Jesus has done for me, He has answered so many of my prayers about this move, and has placed amazing people in my life. Everything I have is because of Him so the least I can do is tell you that His promises, His light these are the truest most beautiful forms of love I know.

It's hard for me to put into words how thankful I am for this opportunity, and for this season I am in but I hope it comes through on this post.

There are so many unknowns still,  unknowns about my days here, and about my days in general. There are still so many prayers in my mind, but despite of it all I am writing this with a peace on my heart that overcomes everything else. I think this is grace.

-C

There is light...

Tuesday.

I got woken up by the beautiful sounds of trees hitting my window, a little bit of sunshine on my face and the loudest sounds brought by the wind, it was heavenly.

I didn't work today so it was a slow morning for me, I enjoyed some grapefruit and lemon water and made little botanical drawings - I'm not sure what it is but I've been fully enjoying these moments of solitude. It's almost like living in this busy, noisy city has brought the quietest in me.

I'm Ok with that. I hope people are Ok with that.

I left the house and got on the right train at the right time and I made my way to London Bridge three minutes early before my meeting -  this is a big accomplishment, for the first time in three weeks I didn't walk the wrong way, I didn't get on the wrong train and I wasn't late. This is big, at least to me it is. I almost felt like a part of this city and I'm so thankful for that.

I met a girl who reached out to me via Instagram, sometimes I still find it weird that people take the time to write sweet emails, and reach out to me - It's both strange and fantastic almost unexpected. She contacted me because she enjoys my photography and as a fellow Canadian herself she was intrigued by my move to London, we agreed to meet and chat over a massive wrap at Borough Market.

I can't tell you exactly what the point of the meeting was, I knew there was one but I can't remember now, the thing is that we chatted about being genuine on the internet and in life in general, we talked about being transparent and enjoying true honest moments. Quality over quantity. We talked about success and about failures and about what we both expected or hoped about coming to London.

I won't share her thoughts but I will share mine - because I can.

I didn't move to London to become a more successful photographer, or to be a more successful Corina. I moved to London to find who Corina is, and maybe then become more successful at being human.

I know that all seems weird and I'm not trying to be poetic or sound intelligent and deep, but the thing is I felt lost, and I felt stuck in Vancouver. I wasn't growing career wise, personal wise and in my faith and that basically just sucks.
There were more moments were I felt sad, and anxious about what I was doing than I felt joy and though I know life isn't meant to be happy all the time I am simply not interested in a life where I feel like I'm just surviving.

If you were to ask me what I want to be or what I want out of life I think my answer would be that I want to be joyful - I want to live a life that has trials but that even in the mist of those I can find joy and be fully and genuinely thankful for every single moment I experience, even when it gets tough.
Now I'm not saying that moving to London will bring me joy, but I believe leaving my comfort zone, leaving my bubble and my known things will provide a bigger perspective and a bigger sense of what life means to me. London is just a place.

I needed to grow. I needed to feel challenged and feel vulnerable. I needed to hear God's voice in my life. I needed to be guided by Him and I needed to seek Him more than I seek other things, I want to be honest and say I've felt God more these past weeks than I have in two years. This is what I need.

I'm not sure if who I met today, got what she wanted out of our meeting but I can safely say that I got so much out of speaking from my heart, and opening up to a complete stranger who probably only wanted to grab coffee. ( Thanks O )

On my way home from our meeting I stopped by a park close to home, there is a crazy wind storm happening so I literally got hit by the wind several times and the most beautiful thing happened right there and then, I stopped because I felt so alive and so full of peace. I think that's how joy works it almost hits you in the face, like a ray of light.

  Joy I pray you stay.

-C 

Little updates

I can't believe it's may, where has the time gone and how is it that I got so busy and failed to update this little corner of the internet. ( I know all three of you who read this were pausing life until now, sorry)
Im not sure where to start, and the thing is I know I'll fail to update this blog time and time again. I've never been good at keeping up with blogs and diaries. I wish I was.

London has kicked my butt in the best way (is that even a thing? If not I'm making it one)
Here is why:

I have never walked so much in my entire life, I recently splurged and got myself foot cream that smells heavenly because I need it. I'm actually a grandma.

Most of the time I end up walking more than I should because I have no idea where I am, it's not exactly that I've gotten super lost, but is just that streets here are so weird and what I think will lead me somewhere ends up leading me somewhere completely different.

Not having data for almost a month proved to be the most rewarding yet most frustrating thing, I hate to realize how dependent I am of such a silly thing, but it really makes a difference when I'm confused about directions. Though not having data was hard at times, it allowed me to sit and watch everything during my commute. I loved the quiet times it brought to my life, and just the extra time I had to observe, to sit quietly and to admire everything, and take it all in. I'm going to try my best to remember those moments and put down my phone.

A little side note: CITY MAPPER - I love you forever 

All in all, London has brought so much happiness into my life, it has taught me so much in so little time and I can't wait to see what these next two years will look like.

I am currently sitting in the living room of the place I get to call home. It absolutely blows my mind that I have a job, and a roof over my head three weeks into this adventure. I am in awe of how the whole thing has unfold because I seriously did very little to deserve it.

My roommates are like out of a movie, seriously I live with two of the sweetest girls I've ever met, they are both so inspiring, and I know their friendship will bring so much into my life. It already has.

If there is one thing you should take away from this whole entry( other than I suck at navigation) is that God is amazing, He has answered every single one of my prayers about this move, and has seen me through all of my moments of doubt and fear.
 
I am being moved, and I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

-C