For me

I wanted to write down my thoughts, I feel like I don't do it enough.
I don't process my thoughts enough, I'm quick to act, quick to move, quick to get busy, quick to listen to everything and yet I don't listen to myself, I don't listen to God, and I used to, I used to wait and listen (or try to at least).

I haven't read my bible in so long, I mean I do, I read verses all the time, but I haven't actually picked up my bible, and sat and read it and understand it, and let those words sink in. Somehow in the busyness of my life, I stopped, and I "decided" unconsciously that I could do this alone, that I didn't need His words and yet I ask for Him to listen to mine, to listen to my prayers and my constant need of Him.

Lately I've been trying to catch up trying to not miss a thing, both in my world and with a world that has nothing to do with me. For a while now I've been thinking about getting rid of my Instagram accounts, my twitter account, my Facebook, my Snapchat. When did it become Ok to share so much of our lives with the world? When did it become Ok to see what everyone was doing, and to follow all these strangers.

Don't get me wrong Social Media is amazing, recently SM is what I do for work full time, and I love it, I work for an amazing company, and I wouldn't change that. I've also met amazing people online and they've quickly become good and close friends.

There are so many things that I wouldn't have if it weren't for my online presence, I'm thankful for it, but lately I've lost the meaning behind it all, I've lost contact with myself. I think the thing with our generation is we've gained access to so much, I mean I'm sure comparison has existed from the moment humans were created, the need and desire for more has always been a problem with humanity; maybe you'll have a different opinion about this but I think Adam and Eve struggled with it, I don't think they ate the forbidden fruit just because... I think they wanted more.
 
But the big problem I see with social media is it has given us a window into people's life's. Before it I never knew what my friends were buying, or wearing, or what they were eating, listening to, or where they were at all times, and it was Ok. Life was Ok. 

I had a conversation with two friends about this today, ironically I met both of them through Instagram. They are people who I admire, who I get inspired by and who I deeply value. I've said things like, I need to breathe, I need to stop comparing myself, to stop feeling like this life that I'm living is not enough, because that other person on Instagram seems to be doing more, I need to do more.

You have no idea how hard it is to admit to yourself or to type here that you compare yourself to others, that you think your life is not beautiful because somehow someone elses life seems a little bit better.

It hurts me because this isn't who I am, and this isn't who God created me to be. He didn't create me, Corina, to be more like someone else, He didn't spend all this time designing my plans with someone else in mind. He created a unique life for me, a life that I don't enjoy or feel like it's always in need of more. He wanted me, He designed me, but somehow this isn't enough for me. It makes me mad, realizing this, it's so screwed up, but I almost feel like I have to put it into words so I can start to work on it and change it.

I decided to stop using my personal accounts on social media, this isn't new and this isn't the first time I've done this, however this time is different, this time I'm going to try to stop, for good, or at least for a good while. I'm not sure what this looks like for someone who SM is actually a full time job, but I'm going to find out day by day. Like I said I just need to breathe, I need to remind myself of who I am and remember what it's like to not look down so much. To not spend time scrolling through strangers life's and wanting everyone's wardrobe, and body, and hair, and relationship, and adventures, and breakfasts, and day jobs. and at the same time living my life without feeling the need to share every single moment, people do not need to know what I wore, what I ate, who I hung out with. I need to live my life for me.

I need to learn how to fall in love with my own life again, how to fall in love with the person in the mirror, and to be thankful, I forgot how to be thankful.

I'm crying right now, I'm sharing this because I believe there's actual healing happening as I type, as I open up and be honest.

I need to put my feet in the ground and remember that I am a child of God, that He created me, and I am enough, only then I will be able to let Him work in me and through me.

I think it's time I listen, for me.

-C