On being vulnearable

It's hard being vulnerable.

It's hard to put yourself out there, to voice your emotions, to feel bare, unprotected, to allow people to take a peek into your life. Your real life, the life you so often hide or embellish or the life you place masks in front of because who cares about the truth, who cares to read about what hurts and what is wrong.

wait, I care.

but it doesn't make it easier... you know, to care.

I am used to sharing my days, and inviting both strangers/non strangers into my life, but it's a different thing when you allow them to look at you, the real you, and admit that things in the life they "know" are not ok. That you're hurting, and that some days you cry more than you smile.

Friday was tough and I felt disheartened, so I decided to put a voice to those feelings.
I think one of the reasons I shared that post was because I felt hopeless. and that word hurts. For the first time my prayers didn't seem enough, and for a second I just couldn't pray anymore.

What do I ask for now? What do I tell The One that knows me and my heart more than anyone. What do I say when all I want is to scream and to say where are You? You are here right? I know You are listening to me, so why are You not answering? Why are you not fixing this?

I felt hurt.
and in my hurting He told me it was Ok, you know, to ask for help.

and so I did, and it was tough and it made feel scared and bare and unprotected and you saw me, the real me.

and to admit that there are days when you see me smile I'm actually hurting inside, and to admit that there are days when I'm actually going through something, and when I hug you I don't want to let go, because it feels nice, and I feel protected and to admit all of that is pretty darn hard, and it shakes you.

It shook me.

But then after a few moments, it all felt better, my heart felt a little lighter, and after a little longer I felt peace, and I know it was Him, and I know I wasn't unprotected anymore.

and feeling bare wasn't the worst thing. and the real me, the hurting me, the one that isn't always Ok, felt loved.

I'm thankful for that, I'm thankful for the prayers when I didn't know how to pray anymore, and for those who don't pray but told me they cared, it all matters. to be heard matters.

I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know if my family is going to be Ok and there are days that I wake up and ask myself "what if all of this is for nothing, what if I believe God is working in our lives but at the end of the day nothing happens, what if what if what if what if" and to tell you the truth, I don't know, I just don't know. But my faith, my hope they're greater than my doubts, so then I take a deep breath and choose to be thankful instead, thankful for the things I do know, and so my burdens get a little easier to carry.

Writing this was hard.

Writing about my faith is hard, it's hard because what if you judge me? what if you think I'm crazy, what if what if what if.

what if it's actually Ok? 

and today feels a little easier to be here.

bare.