Today

I want to write this today before the emotions and thoughts escape my body, my mind. I need to put these thoughts somewhere so I can come back to them when the lies come creeping back into my life.

I've had these thoughts since the moment I saw myself in the mirror and decided there was something wrong, that the image I saw reflected wasn't one that I wanted, one that I felt comfortable with or that I loved.

It hurts to write this and to be vulnerable about something that always seems to find a way back into my heart. To be honest about something that I believe (though I'm not completely sure) I hide so well.

Today I apologized to my body for the hundredth time, I told it it was beautiful and that I was sorry I hated the way it looked in some clothes (most clothes) I apologized for criticizing the way it moved, I apologized for hating it's curves, for skipping meals and not treat it like it deserved to be treated, like it was meant to, created to.
I apologized for the hurtful words I've said to it, quietly and loudly. And it hurt, today it hurt like it hadn't in a while because today these words didn't feel truthful they didn't feel real.

This year I've been very focused on loving who I am, and the way I am. Focused on treating myself right and whispering words of love every morning, every night. To let love and light cover every corner that has felt insecure, unworthy. And it's been a good year. But some days like today it's hard, and I have to fight harder.

On days like today I have to remember my worth and to remind this body of mine of all the things it's gone through, to remind my body of it's health of it's movement. To remind this body of mine the places it's taken me, and the battles it's won and how strong it is even when I call it weak.

Love over hate.

Truth over lies.

...But it's hard, and I don't know why it is, and at which moment in my life I decided to stop feeling safe in my own skin.

I guess I'm writing this so if I start feeling unsafe again I can come back to truth, and start again.

I want to make sure I remember that most days I smile, and that I laugh and that above everything there are days when I look at myself and I feel proud and beautiful and comfortable in who I am and I just hope days like those happen so often that one day they overcome days full of fears, and hurt. I know they will. Because love is greater.

*I want to add that when I apologized to my body today I almost felt happy even through the hurt because something is changing, the fact I feel necessary to speak words of love to this body I've hurt so much, to let it know that it deserves to be apologized to, it's big for me and it may be a small victory but it's a start.