a letter to my 365 days ago self

From 2016

Thursday 7/16



Three hundred and sixty five days of you. 

I wanted to tell you that is Ok to be scared, to be unsure.
To be vulnerable and to be honest.
I wanted to tell you that is Ok to ask questions, and to say "I don't know"
It's Ok to feel lost.


I know you want answers and you want to know what tomorrow looks like, I know it's in your nature to wonder and to think ahead but I want to tell you that is Ok to wait, and to not know.
It's Ok to let go of control and to enjoy things as they come, and yes it's also Ok to feel impatient and frustrated. I know, it gets tough.

But I want you to trust, and to know that there is beauty in the unknown.

I want you to remember that you are enough, that you don't need to change or to adapt and that you are capable of many things.

I want you to hold on to your hopes and your dreams but to know that your reality is so much better, because it's something you could've never planned for yourself.


I want you to keep praying, to keep leaning on Him, because He is faithful.
I want you to go back to this letter and to remember every single answer prayer, every single erased fear.



I wrote this for you because I want you to hold on tight

Thoughts from a train

I’m writing this on my 5 1/2 hr journey home, the sun keeps hitting my window and it’s warmth keeps covering me and leaving me when the train meets a shadow. I am the most relaxed I’ve been in months, after two long weeks traveling for work I had the chance to spend three days in Porthleven, Cornwall. It’s as if God saw me and my heart and knew I needed this time. He knew I needed to breathe.

I am so thankful for this trip, for the quiet moments I spent by the sea and the people I got to meet and talked to. This is the first time I take a trip to a place where I’ll have to brunch, dine, and walk on my own (except I didn’t all the time but that’s a different story) and it was the most beautiful weekend. I needed to reconnect with my soul.
    *Note: I've moved to a different country and city on my own but never done a solo "holiday" trip

I spent Saturday evening by the pier listening to the sea and eating pistachio and blackberry cheesecake icecream — as you do. I sat down to watch the most beautiful pink sky, and life stopped for a second (after I finished snap chatting, and photographing it of course, you know for the  memories) sometimes I forget how magical life is, and how silly some of my problems are when I’m surrounded by so much beauty, and I can’t complain because I am living the most amazing experiences.

Porthleven was exactly what I needed, time apart and on my own. Time to just be. I’m not exactly sure what it is about a new unknown place that allows you to be whoever you want to be, or in my case exactly who I actually am, there’s some sort of freedom in knowing no one knows you, there’s no history, no expectations, and by the end of the trip is very unlikely you will see the people you meet again, and though that thought makes me feel melancholic I also find it really beautiful.

I'm watching a new sunset from this train and trying to write and collect my feelings and thoughts from my three day soul catch up.

This year has been very important for me I’ve learned so much about myself and what my soul and heart need, the kind of words I need to whisper to them every day to keep them true and happy.
The environments I feel most comfortable in and the ones that push me outside of my comfort zone, The kind of people I feel most happy and myself around and the ones that make my heart full. I'm learning to breathe, to let myself feel and to listen. I’ve also learned about my strengths and my weaknesses but most importantly I’ve learned that even when I doubt myself I am actually capable of so much, and knowing that makes me excited for the future.

It makes me excited to keep learning about who I am, and discovering things that will get accentuated with age, and welcoming new ones as the years go by.

Trips like Porthleven where I give myself a moment to breathe and to enjoy a new kind of silence make me so thankful for this life and for every opportunity I am being given, I keep looking back at my first day in London and how the future seemed so unknown and scary but then I look at today and what I've accomplished and it makes me happy, because even in the darkest moments light has kept on shinning brighter.



*Everything seems possible with a rested soul.

Today

I want to write this today before the emotions and thoughts escape my body, my mind. I need to put these thoughts somewhere so I can come back to them when the lies come creeping back into my life.

I've had these thoughts since the moment I saw myself in the mirror and decided there was something wrong, that the image I saw reflected wasn't one that I wanted, one that I felt comfortable with or that I loved.

It hurts to write this and to be vulnerable about something that always seems to find a way back into my heart. To be honest about something that I believe (though I'm not completely sure) I hide so well.

Today I apologized to my body for the hundredth time, I told it it was beautiful and that I was sorry I hated the way it looked in some clothes (most clothes) I apologized for criticizing the way it moved, I apologized for hating it's curves, for skipping meals and not treat it like it deserved to be treated, like it was meant to, created to.
I apologized for the hurtful words I've said to it, quietly and loudly. And it hurt, today it hurt like it hadn't in a while because today these words didn't feel truthful they didn't feel real.

This year I've been very focused on loving who I am, and the way I am. Focused on treating myself right and whispering words of love every morning, every night. To let love and light cover every corner that has felt insecure, unworthy. And it's been a good year. But some days like today it's hard, and I have to fight harder.

On days like today I have to remember my worth and to remind this body of mine of all the things it's gone through, to remind my body of it's health of it's movement. To remind this body of mine the places it's taken me, and the battles it's won and how strong it is even when I call it weak.

Love over hate.

Truth over lies.

...But it's hard, and I don't know why it is, and at which moment in my life I decided to stop feeling safe in my own skin.

I guess I'm writing this so if I start feeling unsafe again I can come back to truth, and start again.

I want to make sure I remember that most days I smile, and that I laugh and that above everything there are days when I look at myself and I feel proud and beautiful and comfortable in who I am and I just hope days like those happen so often that one day they overcome days full of fears, and hurt. I know they will. Because love is greater.

*I want to add that when I apologized to my body today I almost felt happy even through the hurt because something is changing, the fact I feel necessary to speak words of love to this body I've hurt so much, to let it know that it deserves to be apologized to, it's big for me and it may be a small victory but it's a start.

On being vulnearable

It's hard being vulnerable.

It's hard to put yourself out there, to voice your emotions, to feel bare, unprotected, to allow people to take a peek into your life. Your real life, the life you so often hide or embellish or the life you place masks in front of because who cares about the truth, who cares to read about what hurts and what is wrong.

wait, I care.

but it doesn't make it easier... you know, to care.

I am used to sharing my days, and inviting both strangers/non strangers into my life, but it's a different thing when you allow them to look at you, the real you, and admit that things in the life they "know" are not ok. That you're hurting, and that some days you cry more than you smile.

Friday was tough and I felt disheartened, so I decided to put a voice to those feelings.
I think one of the reasons I shared that post was because I felt hopeless. and that word hurts. For the first time my prayers didn't seem enough, and for a second I just couldn't pray anymore.

What do I ask for now? What do I tell The One that knows me and my heart more than anyone. What do I say when all I want is to scream and to say where are You? You are here right? I know You are listening to me, so why are You not answering? Why are you not fixing this?

I felt hurt.
and in my hurting He told me it was Ok, you know, to ask for help.

and so I did, and it was tough and it made feel scared and bare and unprotected and you saw me, the real me.

and to admit that there are days when you see me smile I'm actually hurting inside, and to admit that there are days when I'm actually going through something, and when I hug you I don't want to let go, because it feels nice, and I feel protected and to admit all of that is pretty darn hard, and it shakes you.

It shook me.

But then after a few moments, it all felt better, my heart felt a little lighter, and after a little longer I felt peace, and I know it was Him, and I know I wasn't unprotected anymore.

and feeling bare wasn't the worst thing. and the real me, the hurting me, the one that isn't always Ok, felt loved.

I'm thankful for that, I'm thankful for the prayers when I didn't know how to pray anymore, and for those who don't pray but told me they cared, it all matters. to be heard matters.

I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know if my family is going to be Ok and there are days that I wake up and ask myself "what if all of this is for nothing, what if I believe God is working in our lives but at the end of the day nothing happens, what if what if what if what if" and to tell you the truth, I don't know, I just don't know. But my faith, my hope they're greater than my doubts, so then I take a deep breath and choose to be thankful instead, thankful for the things I do know, and so my burdens get a little easier to carry.

Writing this was hard.

Writing about my faith is hard, it's hard because what if you judge me? what if you think I'm crazy, what if what if what if.

what if it's actually Ok? 

and today feels a little easier to be here.

bare.

Choose Love

It's been a sad day for the UK.
We woke up to the news that after voting yesterday Britain has decided to leave the EU. I have to be honest and say that though I have been reading about this Referendum, there are still some things I don't understand. I have many questions, and I wonder if this affects my situation in this country (I know, gosh I'm so selfish) Does it even affect me? I don't know, and that's the thing, what happens now?

Bottom line is my heart feels heavy.

This place is home, and it hurts. It didn't take long for me to fall in love with the culture, the history, the people, the diversity. I fell in love with the freedom to be whoever you wanted to be, a place where it doesn't matter where you're from because it celebrated differences, or so I thought.

I want to live in a place/world that can live in unity, and today the UK doesn't feel like it, the world doesn't feel like it.

I know what it’s like to be an outsider, I've felt it when I moved to Canada, I felt it growing up and I felt it constantly. Today I feel like an outsider again, and though I know this isn't about me, and I'm not European, it all just feels wrong.

I feel for my European friends that have made a life here. For the ones that call this place home, and didn't have a say on this vote, and now feel rejected.

Hurt.

I feel for my British friends who feel hurt by people who voted out of fear, and lack of knowledge. Hurt by people who are indifferent, people who didn't show up for their country, and hurt by a generation that decided on the future of this country, a generation that most likely won't be able to see/live the consequences.

Maybe things will work out, and those who voted pro leave knew something more than the rest, I hope so. I hope this country stops feeling hurt. "It hurts when friends are hurting"

But in the midst of all of this, I'm choosing to love.
Love those that I don't understand, love those who's opinions differ from mine, love those who see foreigners as threats, as minority, and love those who think this world is stronger by being more isolated.

Love.

I choose to believe in The One who knows it all, because at the end of the day, my faith, my hope is bigger than any situation we may face. I choose to believe there is a plan, and so in the midst of chaos, in the midst of pain, in the midst of confusion, and fear. I find joy.


and so in a world that is divided, I choose love. 

For me

I wanted to write down my thoughts, I feel like I don't do it enough.
I don't process my thoughts enough, I'm quick to act, quick to move, quick to get busy, quick to listen to everything and yet I don't listen to myself, I don't listen to God, and I used to, I used to wait and listen (or try to at least).

I haven't read my bible in so long, I mean I do, I read verses all the time, but I haven't actually picked up my bible, and sat and read it and understand it, and let those words sink in. Somehow in the busyness of my life, I stopped, and I "decided" unconsciously that I could do this alone, that I didn't need His words and yet I ask for Him to listen to mine, to listen to my prayers and my constant need of Him.

Lately I've been trying to catch up trying to not miss a thing, both in my world and with a world that has nothing to do with me. For a while now I've been thinking about getting rid of my Instagram accounts, my twitter account, my Facebook, my Snapchat. When did it become Ok to share so much of our lives with the world? When did it become Ok to see what everyone was doing, and to follow all these strangers.

Don't get me wrong Social Media is amazing, recently SM is what I do for work full time, and I love it, I work for an amazing company, and I wouldn't change that. I've also met amazing people online and they've quickly become good and close friends.

There are so many things that I wouldn't have if it weren't for my online presence, I'm thankful for it, but lately I've lost the meaning behind it all, I've lost contact with myself. I think the thing with our generation is we've gained access to so much, I mean I'm sure comparison has existed from the moment humans were created, the need and desire for more has always been a problem with humanity; maybe you'll have a different opinion about this but I think Adam and Eve struggled with it, I don't think they ate the forbidden fruit just because... I think they wanted more.
 
But the big problem I see with social media is it has given us a window into people's life's. Before it I never knew what my friends were buying, or wearing, or what they were eating, listening to, or where they were at all times, and it was Ok. Life was Ok. 

I had a conversation with two friends about this today, ironically I met both of them through Instagram. They are people who I admire, who I get inspired by and who I deeply value. I've said things like, I need to breathe, I need to stop comparing myself, to stop feeling like this life that I'm living is not enough, because that other person on Instagram seems to be doing more, I need to do more.

You have no idea how hard it is to admit to yourself or to type here that you compare yourself to others, that you think your life is not beautiful because somehow someone elses life seems a little bit better.

It hurts me because this isn't who I am, and this isn't who God created me to be. He didn't create me, Corina, to be more like someone else, He didn't spend all this time designing my plans with someone else in mind. He created a unique life for me, a life that I don't enjoy or feel like it's always in need of more. He wanted me, He designed me, but somehow this isn't enough for me. It makes me mad, realizing this, it's so screwed up, but I almost feel like I have to put it into words so I can start to work on it and change it.

I decided to stop using my personal accounts on social media, this isn't new and this isn't the first time I've done this, however this time is different, this time I'm going to try to stop, for good, or at least for a good while. I'm not sure what this looks like for someone who SM is actually a full time job, but I'm going to find out day by day. Like I said I just need to breathe, I need to remind myself of who I am and remember what it's like to not look down so much. To not spend time scrolling through strangers life's and wanting everyone's wardrobe, and body, and hair, and relationship, and adventures, and breakfasts, and day jobs. and at the same time living my life without feeling the need to share every single moment, people do not need to know what I wore, what I ate, who I hung out with. I need to live my life for me.

I need to learn how to fall in love with my own life again, how to fall in love with the person in the mirror, and to be thankful, I forgot how to be thankful.

I'm crying right now, I'm sharing this because I believe there's actual healing happening as I type, as I open up and be honest.

I need to put my feet in the ground and remember that I am a child of God, that He created me, and I am enough, only then I will be able to let Him work in me and through me.

I think it's time I listen, for me.

-C

A little update

I wrote this on my facebook page, but I wanted to write it here as well.

My life has been kind of a rollercoaster since I moved to London, and the last month of the year came with more changes than I could've ever imagined.

I now live in Birmingham, a place I know very little about, and only know two people.

So here's a little bit (actually A LOT) about that.


--


On Friday I left London, and moved to Birmingham to start working for a Christian Organization called Christian Vision.

The story of how I got this job, the home I live in now, and the whole process from making the decision to move, and to accept this position is one that I still find hard to believe, and it has taken me weeks to digest, because it came out of nowhere and it happened very fast. The truth is it had little to do with me, and everything to do with God's plan in my life.

I hear so much about people being called to do things, and people being led by God where they are today. Since I've became a Christian I wondered if I would ever get to experience that, you know... hearing God in my life.

I doubted so many times and thought "maybe my faith isn't strong enough, maybe my relationship with God isn't strong enough, maybe I don't know how to pray, perhaps I'm doing this whole Christian thing wrong, THERE SHOULD BE A MANUAL" but the thing is, my relationship with God has completely changed who I am, and what I want out of life. I know now my walk is different than everyone else's walk, not better or worse just different.

Making the decision to move here came with more fears than I have ever experienced, and yet somehow an inexplicable sense of peace covered me everyday as well, I know this decision was the right one, I don't know why, I just know.

The moving process was so incredibly hard, and exhausting, and if you know me you know it didn't come free of tears -crying is what I do best- everything that could go wrong in a move would go wrong, and then suddenly out of nowhere a solution, so maybe just maybe this is exactly what people mean when they say they were called to do something, I choose to believe that, because this has God written all over it. If there was one problem, there was one blessing.

Today was my first day at work, and as the day went on all of those fears, and insecurities about this somehow started to go away, I still don't know what I'm even doing here, but I know I am where I'm supposed to be.

I try to be as genuine as I can, but being this vulnerable on this or any platform where maybe some people will judge me, and automatically place me in this "religious box" is hard.

I wanted to share this because it's something that has made me see, and understand God's beauty, and His love for me in a whole new level. It has made me grow so much both as a person, and in my faith, and really that is all I could ever ask for. It's a beautiful thing.


I hope whether you believe or not that you get the chance to experience this kind of unfailing love.

This is all.

Love,
C