For me

I wanted to write down my thoughts, I feel like I don't do it enough.
I don't process my thoughts enough, I'm quick to act, quick to move, quick to get busy, quick to listen to everything and yet I don't listen to myself, I don't listen to God, and I used to, I used to wait and listen (or try to at least).

I haven't read my bible in so long, I mean I do, I read verses all the time, but I haven't actually picked up my bible, and sat and read it and understand it, and let those words sink in. Somehow in the busyness of my life, I stopped, and I "decided" unconsciously that I could do this alone, that I didn't need His words and yet I ask for Him to listen to mine, to listen to my prayers and my constant need of Him.

Lately I've been trying to catch up trying to not miss a thing, both in my world and with a world that has nothing to do with me. For a while now I've been thinking about getting rid of my Instagram accounts, my twitter account, my Facebook, my Snapchat. When did it become Ok to share so much of our lives with the world? When did it become Ok to see what everyone was doing, and to follow all these strangers.

Don't get me wrong Social Media is amazing, recently SM is what I do for work full time, and I love it, I work for an amazing company, and I wouldn't change that. I've also met amazing people online and they've quickly become good and close friends.

There are so many things that I wouldn't have if it weren't for my online presence, I'm thankful for it, but lately I've lost the meaning behind it all, I've lost contact with myself. I think the thing with our generation is we've gained access to so much, I mean I'm sure comparison has existed from the moment humans were created, the need and desire for more has always been a problem with humanity; maybe you'll have a different opinion about this but I think Adam and Eve struggled with it, I don't think they ate the forbidden fruit just because... I think they wanted more.
 
But the big problem I see with social media is it has given us a window into people's life's. Before it I never knew what my friends were buying, or wearing, or what they were eating, listening to, or where they were at all times, and it was Ok. Life was Ok. 

I had a conversation with two friends about this today, ironically I met both of them through Instagram. They are people who I admire, who I get inspired by and who I deeply value. I've said things like, I need to breathe, I need to stop comparing myself, to stop feeling like this life that I'm living is not enough, because that other person on Instagram seems to be doing more, I need to do more.

You have no idea how hard it is to admit to yourself or to type here that you compare yourself to others, that you think your life is not beautiful because somehow someone elses life seems a little bit better.

It hurts me because this isn't who I am, and this isn't who God created me to be. He didn't create me, Corina, to be more like someone else, He didn't spend all this time designing my plans with someone else in mind. He created a unique life for me, a life that I don't enjoy or feel like it's always in need of more. He wanted me, He designed me, but somehow this isn't enough for me. It makes me mad, realizing this, it's so screwed up, but I almost feel like I have to put it into words so I can start to work on it and change it.

I decided to stop using my personal accounts on social media, this isn't new and this isn't the first time I've done this, however this time is different, this time I'm going to try to stop, for good, or at least for a good while. I'm not sure what this looks like for someone who SM is actually a full time job, but I'm going to find out day by day. Like I said I just need to breathe, I need to remind myself of who I am and remember what it's like to not look down so much. To not spend time scrolling through strangers life's and wanting everyone's wardrobe, and body, and hair, and relationship, and adventures, and breakfasts, and day jobs. and at the same time living my life without feeling the need to share every single moment, people do not need to know what I wore, what I ate, who I hung out with. I need to live my life for me.

I need to learn how to fall in love with my own life again, how to fall in love with the person in the mirror, and to be thankful, I forgot how to be thankful.

I'm crying right now, I'm sharing this because I believe there's actual healing happening as I type, as I open up and be honest.

I need to put my feet in the ground and remember that I am a child of God, that He created me, and I am enough, only then I will be able to let Him work in me and through me.

I think it's time I listen, for me.

-C

Little updates

I can't believe it's may, where has the time gone and how is it that I got so busy and failed to update this little corner of the internet. ( I know all three of you who read this were pausing life until now, sorry)
Im not sure where to start, and the thing is I know I'll fail to update this blog time and time again. I've never been good at keeping up with blogs and diaries. I wish I was.

London has kicked my butt in the best way (is that even a thing? If not I'm making it one)
Here is why:

I have never walked so much in my entire life, I recently splurged and got myself foot cream that smells heavenly because I need it. I'm actually a grandma.

Most of the time I end up walking more than I should because I have no idea where I am, it's not exactly that I've gotten super lost, but is just that streets here are so weird and what I think will lead me somewhere ends up leading me somewhere completely different.

Not having data for almost a month proved to be the most rewarding yet most frustrating thing, I hate to realize how dependent I am of such a silly thing, but it really makes a difference when I'm confused about directions. Though not having data was hard at times, it allowed me to sit and watch everything during my commute. I loved the quiet times it brought to my life, and just the extra time I had to observe, to sit quietly and to admire everything, and take it all in. I'm going to try my best to remember those moments and put down my phone.

A little side note: CITY MAPPER - I love you forever 

All in all, London has brought so much happiness into my life, it has taught me so much in so little time and I can't wait to see what these next two years will look like.

I am currently sitting in the living room of the place I get to call home. It absolutely blows my mind that I have a job, and a roof over my head three weeks into this adventure. I am in awe of how the whole thing has unfold because I seriously did very little to deserve it.

My roommates are like out of a movie, seriously I live with two of the sweetest girls I've ever met, they are both so inspiring, and I know their friendship will bring so much into my life. It already has.

If there is one thing you should take away from this whole entry( other than I suck at navigation) is that God is amazing, He has answered every single one of my prayers about this move, and has seen me through all of my moments of doubt and fear.
 
I am being moved, and I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

-C

Life Lately

It's crazy to think it's only been twelve days since I left home and embarked on this new adventure.

Every single day has been jammed packed with activities and places to see. My eyes are constantly amazed by the beauty of this country and when I think Ive seen enough I turn a corner and there is something even more brilliant.

I have to be honest and say it still hasn't hit yet (you know me moving) I keep waking up with this feeling that I will be home soon. - I guess I'm on vacation mode, and It is not until I have a quiet moment to I remind myself that this place I'm standing on, this place that I'm getting to know is home now. Honestly it absolutely scares the crap out of me, and makes me excited at the same time. "What am I doings" and "You're totally nuts" run through my head, sometimes I want to just called it off and go back to my comfort zone, to my known safe places, but that is exactly why I'm here and what I'm running away from.

There is just so much uncertainty, so many unknowns; and now it isn't that I've always been eager to know every single detail of my life but not knowing anything is almost terrifying. 

I can't say that I've lived sheltered or away from hardship all my life, If anything I've lived a life full of changes however I have always had a big support group and I have been blessed with a beautiful family that supports my crazy ideas and God! do I miss them every single day. I miss their hugs, gosh I miss hugging in general. Do people hug in London? Aren't we suppose to have 12 hugs a day?  (these are the thoughts that run through my head when I walk down the street, because IT IS IMPORTANT! I need to know)

I have been battling a cold for the last few days, and my energy has gotten super low, but I feel so dumb complaining, I feel out of place and ungrateful because I have been given this amazing opportunity and the chance to see and to step on beautiful places. How can I complain when God has been so good to me this entire process, and when He has completely blown me away with His love for me. I'm holding on so tightly to this passage:

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
 - Jeremiah 29:11

I'm going on for too long, but I felt like I needed to be real and honest for a second because life isn't a curated feed on Instagram and though I am experiencing the happiest of moments (I know that's hard to believe after such uplifting read!) I am also full of doubt but it is all good, I knew moments like these would come, after all I did say in my new year "resolutions" that I wanted to be weaker only to be stronger.

I want to be able to read these entries, and know that there is more than this.

-C