a letter to my 365 days ago self

From 2016

Thursday 7/16



Three hundred and sixty five days of you. 

I wanted to tell you that is Ok to be scared, to be unsure.
To be vulnerable and to be honest.
I wanted to tell you that is Ok to ask questions, and to say "I don't know"
It's Ok to feel lost.


I know you want answers and you want to know what tomorrow looks like, I know it's in your nature to wonder and to think ahead but I want to tell you that is Ok to wait, and to not know.
It's Ok to let go of control and to enjoy things as they come, and yes it's also Ok to feel impatient and frustrated. I know, it gets tough.

But I want you to trust, and to know that there is beauty in the unknown.

I want you to remember that you are enough, that you don't need to change or to adapt and that you are capable of many things.

I want you to hold on to your hopes and your dreams but to know that your reality is so much better, because it's something you could've never planned for yourself.


I want you to keep praying, to keep leaning on Him, because He is faithful.
I want you to go back to this letter and to remember every single answer prayer, every single erased fear.



I wrote this for you because I want you to hold on tight

Choose Love

It's been a sad day for the UK.
We woke up to the news that after voting yesterday Britain has decided to leave the EU. I have to be honest and say that though I have been reading about this Referendum, there are still some things I don't understand. I have many questions, and I wonder if this affects my situation in this country (I know, gosh I'm so selfish) Does it even affect me? I don't know, and that's the thing, what happens now?

Bottom line is my heart feels heavy.

This place is home, and it hurts. It didn't take long for me to fall in love with the culture, the history, the people, the diversity. I fell in love with the freedom to be whoever you wanted to be, a place where it doesn't matter where you're from because it celebrated differences, or so I thought.

I want to live in a place/world that can live in unity, and today the UK doesn't feel like it, the world doesn't feel like it.

I know what it’s like to be an outsider, I've felt it when I moved to Canada, I felt it growing up and I felt it constantly. Today I feel like an outsider again, and though I know this isn't about me, and I'm not European, it all just feels wrong.

I feel for my European friends that have made a life here. For the ones that call this place home, and didn't have a say on this vote, and now feel rejected.

Hurt.

I feel for my British friends who feel hurt by people who voted out of fear, and lack of knowledge. Hurt by people who are indifferent, people who didn't show up for their country, and hurt by a generation that decided on the future of this country, a generation that most likely won't be able to see/live the consequences.

Maybe things will work out, and those who voted pro leave knew something more than the rest, I hope so. I hope this country stops feeling hurt. "It hurts when friends are hurting"

But in the midst of all of this, I'm choosing to love.
Love those that I don't understand, love those who's opinions differ from mine, love those who see foreigners as threats, as minority, and love those who think this world is stronger by being more isolated.

Love.

I choose to believe in The One who knows it all, because at the end of the day, my faith, my hope is bigger than any situation we may face. I choose to believe there is a plan, and so in the midst of chaos, in the midst of pain, in the midst of confusion, and fear. I find joy.


and so in a world that is divided, I choose love. 

For me

I wanted to write down my thoughts, I feel like I don't do it enough.
I don't process my thoughts enough, I'm quick to act, quick to move, quick to get busy, quick to listen to everything and yet I don't listen to myself, I don't listen to God, and I used to, I used to wait and listen (or try to at least).

I haven't read my bible in so long, I mean I do, I read verses all the time, but I haven't actually picked up my bible, and sat and read it and understand it, and let those words sink in. Somehow in the busyness of my life, I stopped, and I "decided" unconsciously that I could do this alone, that I didn't need His words and yet I ask for Him to listen to mine, to listen to my prayers and my constant need of Him.

Lately I've been trying to catch up trying to not miss a thing, both in my world and with a world that has nothing to do with me. For a while now I've been thinking about getting rid of my Instagram accounts, my twitter account, my Facebook, my Snapchat. When did it become Ok to share so much of our lives with the world? When did it become Ok to see what everyone was doing, and to follow all these strangers.

Don't get me wrong Social Media is amazing, recently SM is what I do for work full time, and I love it, I work for an amazing company, and I wouldn't change that. I've also met amazing people online and they've quickly become good and close friends.

There are so many things that I wouldn't have if it weren't for my online presence, I'm thankful for it, but lately I've lost the meaning behind it all, I've lost contact with myself. I think the thing with our generation is we've gained access to so much, I mean I'm sure comparison has existed from the moment humans were created, the need and desire for more has always been a problem with humanity; maybe you'll have a different opinion about this but I think Adam and Eve struggled with it, I don't think they ate the forbidden fruit just because... I think they wanted more.
 
But the big problem I see with social media is it has given us a window into people's life's. Before it I never knew what my friends were buying, or wearing, or what they were eating, listening to, or where they were at all times, and it was Ok. Life was Ok. 

I had a conversation with two friends about this today, ironically I met both of them through Instagram. They are people who I admire, who I get inspired by and who I deeply value. I've said things like, I need to breathe, I need to stop comparing myself, to stop feeling like this life that I'm living is not enough, because that other person on Instagram seems to be doing more, I need to do more.

You have no idea how hard it is to admit to yourself or to type here that you compare yourself to others, that you think your life is not beautiful because somehow someone elses life seems a little bit better.

It hurts me because this isn't who I am, and this isn't who God created me to be. He didn't create me, Corina, to be more like someone else, He didn't spend all this time designing my plans with someone else in mind. He created a unique life for me, a life that I don't enjoy or feel like it's always in need of more. He wanted me, He designed me, but somehow this isn't enough for me. It makes me mad, realizing this, it's so screwed up, but I almost feel like I have to put it into words so I can start to work on it and change it.

I decided to stop using my personal accounts on social media, this isn't new and this isn't the first time I've done this, however this time is different, this time I'm going to try to stop, for good, or at least for a good while. I'm not sure what this looks like for someone who SM is actually a full time job, but I'm going to find out day by day. Like I said I just need to breathe, I need to remind myself of who I am and remember what it's like to not look down so much. To not spend time scrolling through strangers life's and wanting everyone's wardrobe, and body, and hair, and relationship, and adventures, and breakfasts, and day jobs. and at the same time living my life without feeling the need to share every single moment, people do not need to know what I wore, what I ate, who I hung out with. I need to live my life for me.

I need to learn how to fall in love with my own life again, how to fall in love with the person in the mirror, and to be thankful, I forgot how to be thankful.

I'm crying right now, I'm sharing this because I believe there's actual healing happening as I type, as I open up and be honest.

I need to put my feet in the ground and remember that I am a child of God, that He created me, and I am enough, only then I will be able to let Him work in me and through me.

I think it's time I listen, for me.

-C

There is light...

Tuesday.

I got woken up by the beautiful sounds of trees hitting my window, a little bit of sunshine on my face and the loudest sounds brought by the wind, it was heavenly.

I didn't work today so it was a slow morning for me, I enjoyed some grapefruit and lemon water and made little botanical drawings - I'm not sure what it is but I've been fully enjoying these moments of solitude. It's almost like living in this busy, noisy city has brought the quietest in me.

I'm Ok with that. I hope people are Ok with that.

I left the house and got on the right train at the right time and I made my way to London Bridge three minutes early before my meeting -  this is a big accomplishment, for the first time in three weeks I didn't walk the wrong way, I didn't get on the wrong train and I wasn't late. This is big, at least to me it is. I almost felt like a part of this city and I'm so thankful for that.

I met a girl who reached out to me via Instagram, sometimes I still find it weird that people take the time to write sweet emails, and reach out to me - It's both strange and fantastic almost unexpected. She contacted me because she enjoys my photography and as a fellow Canadian herself she was intrigued by my move to London, we agreed to meet and chat over a massive wrap at Borough Market.

I can't tell you exactly what the point of the meeting was, I knew there was one but I can't remember now, the thing is that we chatted about being genuine on the internet and in life in general, we talked about being transparent and enjoying true honest moments. Quality over quantity. We talked about success and about failures and about what we both expected or hoped about coming to London.

I won't share her thoughts but I will share mine - because I can.

I didn't move to London to become a more successful photographer, or to be a more successful Corina. I moved to London to find who Corina is, and maybe then become more successful at being human.

I know that all seems weird and I'm not trying to be poetic or sound intelligent and deep, but the thing is I felt lost, and I felt stuck in Vancouver. I wasn't growing career wise, personal wise and in my faith and that basically just sucks.
There were more moments were I felt sad, and anxious about what I was doing than I felt joy and though I know life isn't meant to be happy all the time I am simply not interested in a life where I feel like I'm just surviving.

If you were to ask me what I want to be or what I want out of life I think my answer would be that I want to be joyful - I want to live a life that has trials but that even in the mist of those I can find joy and be fully and genuinely thankful for every single moment I experience, even when it gets tough.
Now I'm not saying that moving to London will bring me joy, but I believe leaving my comfort zone, leaving my bubble and my known things will provide a bigger perspective and a bigger sense of what life means to me. London is just a place.

I needed to grow. I needed to feel challenged and feel vulnerable. I needed to hear God's voice in my life. I needed to be guided by Him and I needed to seek Him more than I seek other things, I want to be honest and say I've felt God more these past weeks than I have in two years. This is what I need.

I'm not sure if who I met today, got what she wanted out of our meeting but I can safely say that I got so much out of speaking from my heart, and opening up to a complete stranger who probably only wanted to grab coffee. ( Thanks O )

On my way home from our meeting I stopped by a park close to home, there is a crazy wind storm happening so I literally got hit by the wind several times and the most beautiful thing happened right there and then, I stopped because I felt so alive and so full of peace. I think that's how joy works it almost hits you in the face, like a ray of light.

  Joy I pray you stay.

-C 

Life Lately

It's crazy to think it's only been twelve days since I left home and embarked on this new adventure.

Every single day has been jammed packed with activities and places to see. My eyes are constantly amazed by the beauty of this country and when I think Ive seen enough I turn a corner and there is something even more brilliant.

I have to be honest and say it still hasn't hit yet (you know me moving) I keep waking up with this feeling that I will be home soon. - I guess I'm on vacation mode, and It is not until I have a quiet moment to I remind myself that this place I'm standing on, this place that I'm getting to know is home now. Honestly it absolutely scares the crap out of me, and makes me excited at the same time. "What am I doings" and "You're totally nuts" run through my head, sometimes I want to just called it off and go back to my comfort zone, to my known safe places, but that is exactly why I'm here and what I'm running away from.

There is just so much uncertainty, so many unknowns; and now it isn't that I've always been eager to know every single detail of my life but not knowing anything is almost terrifying. 

I can't say that I've lived sheltered or away from hardship all my life, If anything I've lived a life full of changes however I have always had a big support group and I have been blessed with a beautiful family that supports my crazy ideas and God! do I miss them every single day. I miss their hugs, gosh I miss hugging in general. Do people hug in London? Aren't we suppose to have 12 hugs a day?  (these are the thoughts that run through my head when I walk down the street, because IT IS IMPORTANT! I need to know)

I have been battling a cold for the last few days, and my energy has gotten super low, but I feel so dumb complaining, I feel out of place and ungrateful because I have been given this amazing opportunity and the chance to see and to step on beautiful places. How can I complain when God has been so good to me this entire process, and when He has completely blown me away with His love for me. I'm holding on so tightly to this passage:

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
 - Jeremiah 29:11

I'm going on for too long, but I felt like I needed to be real and honest for a second because life isn't a curated feed on Instagram and though I am experiencing the happiest of moments (I know that's hard to believe after such uplifting read!) I am also full of doubt but it is all good, I knew moments like these would come, after all I did say in my new year "resolutions" that I wanted to be weaker only to be stronger.

I want to be able to read these entries, and know that there is more than this.

-C

Up a hill, through an alley...

you find this beautiful, magical pub called The Holly Bush.

After a long walk through Hampstead Heath Park and the Highgate Cementary (which is a whole other post on its on) we were tired and hoping for a good place to sit and drink a beer. I had been recommended this place and we thought it'd be a good idea to check it out since we were in the area. It completely surpassed our expectations, I'm pretty sure we both (my friend Amber and I) were in awe of how magical it was. (maybe we were just too hungry, but I don't think so).

I'm always so thankful for recommendations.

Simple

On Friday we stayed in bed - Jet Lag took the best of us, but we enjoyed a very simple but lovely breakfast in our Airbnb. We've had beautiful days here in London and it makes my heart happy, I can't wait for more.

-C

Hello London

People say dreams don't come true, I believe whole heartedly this is a lie...

I have dreamed of seeing these places my whole life. Movie after movie - song after song, and suddenly here I am speechless, in awe of the places that have been the topic of conversations all throughout my life. Walking down the streets repeating to myself "Don't take this for granted, don't take this for granted" - I am here staring at my dreams in the face.

I know life isn't perfect, but moments can be, and my heart!  I am being granted the most perfect moments.

-C
 

One More

I spent my last weekend in Vancouver surrounded with the people that I love the most (sans my dad who was away on a business trip) It was the most beautiful of times and I couldn't have asked for anything else, these people make my heart beat stronger and I cherish every second I get to hold their hand, hug them, talk and laugh with them.

They are my people, and our beautiful moments. I want to keep them forever.

7 days

C U R R E N T L Y:

Life is chaos, everything is in either boxes, on the floor, in paper/plastic bags or set apart for donation.
I really wish I could fast forward to Tuesday 7/15 at 4:30pm when my flight leaves, and I have finally said my last goodbyes.

It's funny how I haven't even allowed myself to feel excited about this move because all of the other emotions seem far more important and feeling excited about my move, and my future feels a little selfish, but (thank heavens) I'm quickly approaching the time when I can sit back, close my eyes, pray and realize what I knew, and what I hold tightly to will no longer be.

This is me seven days before I leave my bubble.


-C

2015

It's 12:44pm and I've decided to start a blog (like many other times before).
Sometimes more than others I get this big urge (almost a necessity) to say something. say it all.

I am not a writer, and talking it's hard sometimes, but we all have something to say and share -- so this right here is my space to do so. 

There's a very specific purpose to this blog, but just like many things in my life, this is about timing.

I'll meet you back here a few weeks before April.

(It's a date)


-C