I’m writing this on my 5 1/2 hr journey home, the sun keeps hitting my window and it’s warmth keeps covering me and leaving me when the train meets a shadow. I am the most relaxed I’ve been in months, after two long weeks traveling for work I had the chance to spend three days in Porthleven, Cornwall. It’s as if God saw me and my heart and knew I needed this time. He knew I needed to breathe.
I am so thankful for this trip, for the quiet moments I spent by the sea and the people I got to meet and talked to. This is the first time I take a trip to a place where I’ll have to brunch, dine, and walk on my own (except I didn’t all the time but that’s a different story) and it was the most beautiful weekend. I needed to reconnect with my soul.
*Note: I've moved to a different country and city on my own but never done a solo "holiday" trip
I spent Saturday evening by the pier listening to the sea and eating pistachio and blackberry cheesecake icecream — as you do. I sat down to watch the most beautiful pink sky, and life stopped for a second (after I finished snap chatting, and photographing it of course, you know for the memories) sometimes I forget how magical life is, and how silly some of my problems are when I’m surrounded by so much beauty, and I can’t complain because I am living the most amazing experiences.
Porthleven was exactly what I needed, time apart and on my own. Time to just be. I’m not exactly sure what it is about a new unknown place that allows you to be whoever you want to be, or in my case exactly who I actually am, there’s some sort of freedom in knowing no one knows you, there’s no history, no expectations, and by the end of the trip is very unlikely you will see the people you meet again, and though that thought makes me feel melancholic I also find it really beautiful.
I'm watching a new sunset from this train and trying to write and collect my feelings and thoughts from my three day soul catch up.
This year has been very important for me I’ve learned so much about myself and what my soul and heart need, the kind of words I need to whisper to them every day to keep them true and happy.
The environments I feel most comfortable in and the ones that push me outside of my comfort zone, The kind of people I feel most happy and myself around and the ones that make my heart full. I'm learning to breathe, to let myself feel and to listen. I’ve also learned about my strengths and my weaknesses but most importantly I’ve learned that even when I doubt myself I am actually capable of so much, and knowing that makes me excited for the future.
It makes me excited to keep learning about who I am, and discovering things that will get accentuated with age, and welcoming new ones as the years go by.
Trips like Porthleven where I give myself a moment to breathe and to enjoy a new kind of silence make me so thankful for this life and for every opportunity I am being given, I keep looking back at my first day in London and how the future seemed so unknown and scary but then I look at today and what I've accomplished and it makes me happy, because even in the darkest moments light has kept on shinning brighter.
*Everything seems possible with a rested soul.
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Friday, August 5, 2016
Today
I want to write this today before the emotions and thoughts escape my body, my mind. I need to put these thoughts somewhere so I can come back to them when the lies come creeping back into my life.
I've had these thoughts since the moment I saw myself in the mirror and decided there was something wrong, that the image I saw reflected wasn't one that I wanted, one that I felt comfortable with or that I loved.
It hurts to write this and to be vulnerable about something that always seems to find a way back into my heart. To be honest about something that I believe (though I'm not completely sure) I hide so well.
Today I apologized to my body for the hundredth time, I told it it was beautiful and that I was sorry I hated the way it looked in some clothes (most clothes) I apologized for criticizing the way it moved, I apologized for hating it's curves, for skipping meals and not treat it like it deserved to be treated, like it was meant to, created to.
I apologized for the hurtful words I've said to it, quietly and loudly. And it hurt, today it hurt like it hadn't in a while because today these words didn't feel truthful they didn't feel real.
This year I've been very focused on loving who I am, and the way I am. Focused on treating myself right and whispering words of love every morning, every night. To let love and light cover every corner that has felt insecure, unworthy. And it's been a good year. But some days like today it's hard, and I have to fight harder.
On days like today I have to remember my worth and to remind this body of mine of all the things it's gone through, to remind my body of it's health of it's movement. To remind this body of mine the places it's taken me, and the battles it's won and how strong it is even when I call it weak.
Love over hate.
Truth over lies.
...But it's hard, and I don't know why it is, and at which moment in my life I decided to stop feeling safe in my own skin.
I guess I'm writing this so if I start feeling unsafe again I can come back to truth, and start again.
I want to make sure I remember that most days I smile, and that I laugh and that above everything there are days when I look at myself and I feel proud and beautiful and comfortable in who I am and I just hope days like those happen so often that one day they overcome days full of fears, and hurt. I know they will. Because love is greater.
*I want to add that when I apologized to my body today I almost felt happy even through the hurt because something is changing, the fact I feel necessary to speak words of love to this body I've hurt so much, to let it know that it deserves to be apologized to, it's big for me and it may be a small victory but it's a start.
I've had these thoughts since the moment I saw myself in the mirror and decided there was something wrong, that the image I saw reflected wasn't one that I wanted, one that I felt comfortable with or that I loved.
It hurts to write this and to be vulnerable about something that always seems to find a way back into my heart. To be honest about something that I believe (though I'm not completely sure) I hide so well.
Today I apologized to my body for the hundredth time, I told it it was beautiful and that I was sorry I hated the way it looked in some clothes (most clothes) I apologized for criticizing the way it moved, I apologized for hating it's curves, for skipping meals and not treat it like it deserved to be treated, like it was meant to, created to.
I apologized for the hurtful words I've said to it, quietly and loudly. And it hurt, today it hurt like it hadn't in a while because today these words didn't feel truthful they didn't feel real.
This year I've been very focused on loving who I am, and the way I am. Focused on treating myself right and whispering words of love every morning, every night. To let love and light cover every corner that has felt insecure, unworthy. And it's been a good year. But some days like today it's hard, and I have to fight harder.
On days like today I have to remember my worth and to remind this body of mine of all the things it's gone through, to remind my body of it's health of it's movement. To remind this body of mine the places it's taken me, and the battles it's won and how strong it is even when I call it weak.
Love over hate.
Truth over lies.
...But it's hard, and I don't know why it is, and at which moment in my life I decided to stop feeling safe in my own skin.
I guess I'm writing this so if I start feeling unsafe again I can come back to truth, and start again.
I want to make sure I remember that most days I smile, and that I laugh and that above everything there are days when I look at myself and I feel proud and beautiful and comfortable in who I am and I just hope days like those happen so often that one day they overcome days full of fears, and hurt. I know they will. Because love is greater.
*I want to add that when I apologized to my body today I almost felt happy even through the hurt because something is changing, the fact I feel necessary to speak words of love to this body I've hurt so much, to let it know that it deserves to be apologized to, it's big for me and it may be a small victory but it's a start.
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